I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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