I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
