every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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