You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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