my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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