the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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