I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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