put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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