I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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