just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
