apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
