we have pet lesbian snakes
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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