dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
