don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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