I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
