I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Randomize
