I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
and you fell through a lawn chair
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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