if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
