I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Randomize
