my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Randomize
