Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
