My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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