maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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