Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
