Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
