I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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