New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
