i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I love you.
Bad choice
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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