my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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