i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
