the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I AM VODKA MAN
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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