Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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