Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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