Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
