Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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