Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
what ever happened to devon sawa?
fuck...who knows?
i'm really worried about him.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
