Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
