Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
