The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
