if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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