all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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