his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
