he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
