I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
