what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
