Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Rumble strips road head = magical
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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