maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
