That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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