I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
