My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
