our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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