I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Congratulations! We have a period
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize