the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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