I think my fart just growled at me.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
