Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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