I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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